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Mackie: Ask a Mayan: Ancient Wisdom That You Can Use Today

It wasn’t the end of the world, but the predictions of doom based on the Mayan calendar have rekindled interest in the once-great South American civilization.

As far as we know, the Mayan empire didn’t technically reach the Upper Valley, but even here people were wondering if they could take Earth’s final hours as sick time, or if there were any point in buying lottery tickets if the annuity would never pay out. But 2013 came right on schedule, so we have to make the best of it.

In keeping with the outbreak of Mayan mania, this column contacted a source in East Corinth (who asked not to be identified except as a devotee of the Sun God), who agreed to channel an ancient Mayan prophet for the benefit of Valley News readers. And so this week we bring you a special feature, Ask a Mayan, whereby the wisdom of the ages is applied to the issues of today. To wit:

Ask a Mayan: I am having trouble with my cell phone. I talk to the salesmen and they tell me one thing about my contract, but then the main office tells me something else. I want to get out of my deal without unfair penalties. What do you advise?

Answer: Send your bravest warriors into their domain and kidnap them and their slaves. They will beg for their lives as you taunt them with spiked clubs and blowguns. Then they will give you a free upgrade, and unlimited minutes.

Ask a Mayan: My son wants to play football for Hanover High, but I think it is too dangerous. What game do you think is suitable for a young man who doesn’t have collegiate sports aspirations?

Answer: Pok-A-Tok! This Mayan test of courage and skill uses a solid rubber ball that can be touched only with the knees, hips, elbows and forearms. This will build core strength and impress college admissions staff with your son’s uniqueness, much more so than Ultimate Frisbee and other minor sports. Losers in Pok-A-Tok are often sacrificed, so assess your son’s chances of success carefully. There is more on the line than not getting into Dartmouth, or even Harvard.

Ask a Mayan: I’m having a hard time choosing between the iPad, the iPad Mini or Android tablets. What do you advise?

Answer: You should have a scribe in your household so you don’t have to concern yourself with such things! It would please the Howler Monkey God, and save energy. Clay inkpots are good enough for your communication needs and are earth-friendly.

Ask a Mayan: Our politics have become contentious. Neither party is willing to compromise, and the fiscal cliff fiasco will be followed by another debt ceiling debacle. How would you resolve this standoff?

Answer: Call upon the gods with dances, and the music of drums, whistles, conch shells and war cries. Alternatively, play hip-hop music really loudly until you blow out the speakers in your Honda Civics. Then attack, defeat your enemy and hold their leaders captive. Make John Boehner weep! Or, cut whatever deal you can and leave the hard decisions for another time, like the Aztecs.

Ask a Mayan: My daughter wants to wear clothing to school that I think is inappropriate. What standards should I insist upon?

Answer: According to ancient scrolls, and Wikipedia, high-status women in my culture often had their teeth filed in different patterns, and would have jadeite, hematite, pyrite, turquoise or other decorations inserted into holes drilled in their teeth. Do this and make her a true beauty! This will also encourage her to floss.

Ask a Mayan: Is climate change real, or is the strange weather we’ve been having the results of normal weather fluctuations. Who do you side with, the scientists, or Sarah Palin?

Answer: They are all fools! You have displeased the Gods. You mock them with your Kardashians and Honey Boo Boos. Repent! Draw blood from Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen and smear it on all the maize in your city-state. And don’t let the solar energy subsidies expire, or the Sun God will exact his revenge.

Ask a Mayan: I know this is an awkward question, but why was your end-of-the-world prediction off? What are you doing to protect your reputation as all-knowing, or at least as all-knowing as an empire that collapsed could be?

Answer: Dilettantes took advantage of our wisdom to call attention to themselves. They got it wrong, offended Bolon Yokte, the God of Judgment, and trampled on our intellectual property. We will soon be taking prisoners and/or they will hear from our attorneys.

The writer can be reached at dmackie@vnews.com.