Over Easy: Hacking away

  • Dan Mackie (Courtesy photograph)

For the Valley News
Published: 9/19/2020 6:47:54 PM
Modified: 9/19/2020 6:47:52 PM

Over Easy has been hacked! Crack analysts linked with this column report that Russian operatives have exploited security weaknesses in my content creation and editing systems.

Just this week they deleted and replaced my cheery essay on the joys of shopping on Route 12A, where store closures and clearance sales are trending. My theme: “Everything Must Go and So Should You.” But that column is gone, gone, gone.

By the time their mischief was uncovered, it was too late to write something new. Unwilling to disappoint loyal readers I, in consultation with top Valley News editors (who swear they would never collude with foreign governments) have made the fake column usable. I edited out glowing references to Vladimir Putin and cut back a curiously extended section on vacationing in sunny Vladivostok, a little piece of paradise on the Pacific with prodigious plants that process fish.

Over Easy must have low priority in global influence schemes. The operation was apparently assigned to a low-level former KGB agent from Cold War days. He has not kept up with the sophisticated English skills of younger operatives.

Anyway, here is the hacker’s version:

Greetings to the workers and capitalist overlords of the Upper Valley, including those living on the fruits of others’ labor, which used to be disgraceful but now can earn graduate degrees in nearby business schools such as Tuck. There they can party even against official discouragements.

You are not to worry about reports of so-called meddling in elections. They are not even in one instance true.

Why would a foreign country, even a benign world leader such as, for example, the Russian Federation, care about so-called free elections for road agents and town moderators? Ask to yourself, who are the true puppet masters of the road agents and town moderators?

If there were to be any nefarious meddling, it would surely be done by Ukrainians, who are known all over the world for their lack of gratitude to nearby nations, such as, for instance, to pick at random, Russia, which wishes it only peace and prosperity. Yet Ukraine encourages misdeeds by the son of Joe Biden which I cannot even list because there are not enough English words for that. They are rascals and miscreants, and you don’t even need me to list the long and sorrowful history known to Rudy Giuliani and his comrades.

But here in the Upper Valley, the weather is changing and the leaves are starting to shimmer so much like, to choose a comparison that is entirely random, quivering aspen on the Siberian steppes. It will soon be the most appropriate time to close up summer dachas even for weekend use.

Then it will be very soon greatly cold. This column just the other week whined about winter like a spoiled lapdog of imperialist interests, but I want to repent of my error. It is much colder, to pick a random place in the globe, in Russia, for one example. Even advancing invading armies of fascist jackals could not withstand the hardships of their devious designs against it. For this I will reflect on my misperceptions and purchase sensible wool socks.

I am not liking American baseball this year. The Sox who wear red have traded the one named Mookie Betts and other superior players of baseball for so many unknown to me. I am watching the Celtics of Boston but no one arrives to the games now. I am most pleased not to see the oligarchs sitting on the sidelines with their Gucci suits and other signs of wealth so great that they are the ones who could buy an election. No other country has such wealth, certainly not, to pick just one at random, Russia. So there can be no suspicion that it is buying our next election, or even buying so many political ads on the Facebook.

I see so many taco trucks in our glorious Upper Valley. Why are there no trucks of potatoes and beets, which would make the people strong for winter? And beans, which would help them social distance?

Please write to me personally and provide account information so I can know you even better. (Link deleted by the Valley News.) We can share Hulu and Netflix data and even details of shopping on Amazon. And our most private thoughts about sleeping Joe Biden. We can discuss the election in which no one is meddling. Stay true to your great American president.

One more thing: See you in Vladivostok! When the smelt are running you cannot be missing it.

The actual Dan Mackie lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.

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