Over Easy: Check the calendar, it might be your National Day

  • Dan Mackie (Courtesy photograph)

For the Valley News
Published: 10/4/2019 10:00:21 PM
Modified: 10/4/2019 10:00:09 PM

The nation has gone crazy for days — special days, that is. Already this week you could have celebrated National Black Dog Day (Oct. 1) and National Product Misting Day (Oct. 2).

No disrespect to the people who promote these august occasions, but neither one is much to get worked up about. I like black dogs just fine, but it’s enough to give a pat and a hearty “good dog!” affirmation when I see one who looks friendly. I take product misting for granted, and I make no apologies.

Today, according to the online National Day Calendar, is National Apple Betty Day. I am all in on that one. It is also National Get Funky Day. I’m 66. Don’t even try to take me to Funkytown.

While I am inclined to think there are too many such days already, the greater problem is that they don’t fully reflect how we live. We need new ones with a new attitude, and sometimes, a bad attitude.

Among the possibilities:

■National Nice People Get Crabby Day: I know some perfectly fine people who, totally at odds with their usual tranquil nature, wake up crabby rarely, maybe only once or twice a year. This comes as something of a shock to their friends, loved ones and victims. Let’s have a day when they can, with social approbation, release their inner demons. Assure them they don’t have to write thank-you notes afterwards.

■National Colonoscopy Anxiety Day: Someday you will have to make that appointment. Today, you just have to fret about it.

■National Remember to Change Your Clock For No Good Reason Day. The time police are ordering us to “fall behind” again on Nov. 3. We have to do it, but we don’t have to like it.

■National Sock Attrition Day: Everybody talks about sock attrition, but no one does anything about it. Strict federal rules backed by zealous government oversight should require sock retailers to include a spare with each pair. Or maybe two. If this be socialism, let’s make the most of it!

■National Nap Day: Science says naps can help you be creative, invent things, be a better person, have more friends, become rich and happy and live longer. At least it seems that might be true when you need one.

■National I Don’t Feel Like Working But I Dragged Myself In and You Are Going to Hear About It All Day Day: This one speaks for itself, often accompanied by sniffles, blowing of the nose, heavy sighs and germ-spreading.

■National Earworm Song Day: The Oxford English Dictionary describes an earworm as: “a catchy tune which persistently stays in a person’s mind, especially to the point of irritation.” Celebrate this day from 9 to 5. Even if you are Livin’ on a Prayer. ‘Cause We are the Champions, my friends.

■National You Should Have a Doctor Look at That Day: Once a year doctors should be available everywhere, or lots of places, like McDonald’s, bus stops, hobby shops, state liquor stores and more. If we can’t have Medicare for all, can’t we at least have a doctor take a look at whatever needs to be looked at?

Personally, I hope it doesn’t go like this:

Me: “I have this odd lump, doctor.”

Doctor: “That’s your head!”

■National Recognize That Guy Whose Name You Can’t Remember Day: On this special day, all those forgettable guys (and gals) will be required to wear name tags. Pretend you don’t really need them.

■National Turn Off That Rap Music, We’re Booming Some Beethoven Right Now Day: Open the car windows on Route 12A and crank up those sonatas. To confirm how majorly cool Ludwig van Beethoven is, I typed his info into an online random rapper name generator. The best results, to my ears, was Ludwigulous B.

■National Facebook Overposting Day: You know who you are. Take a day off, Selfie Queen.

■National Cologne Awareness Day: Through the years women have confided to me that they can’t bear the Office Guy Who Showers in Cologne. “Even Old Spice?” I asked. “Even Old Spice,’’ they answered, shockingly. C’mon guys, give it a rest.

■National That Bratty Kid in Walmart Awareness Day: I don’t know if it’s possible to raise awareness any higher, since the kid in the cookie aisle is howling like an alley cat looking for a Tinder date.

■National Horrible Boss Day. Back-biting and water cooler gossip aren’t getting the message across — the person in charge needs a World’s Worst Boss mug. Who’s going to slip it in the corner office when no one’s looking? Any volunteers?

■National Day of National Days: Over the course of a year the list of national days is overwhelming. Just this month are days for noodles, nurses, moldy cheese, Vermont (Oct. 12, get ready for it), clergy, pharmacy technicians, youth confidence, reptile awareness, mules, doorbells, cats, oatmeal and knock-knock jokes. Maybe it would be simpler if everyone just picked one out of a hat annually and went to town. National Hat Day is Jan. 15, which makes it a natural.

■National No-Trump Day: Honestly, I wish it came next year on Nov. 3, but a compromise would be a simple 24-hour break from the maelstrom, which is starting to resemble the calamitous end of Moby-Dick, only with a great white whale sporting an orange-tinged tan.

Heave to, mateys, we’re in for a rollicking ride.

Dan Mackie lives in West Lebanon. He can be reached at dan.mackie@yahoo.com.

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