Dear Miss Manners: What terminology is recommended to invite someone to join you for a meal at a restaurant at their own expense — i.e., not a hosted meal, but just a get-together?

Gentle Reader: Aha! A dangerous problem.

With the decline of dinner parties at home, restaurants have become a common place for people not only to meet, but also to entertain. Friendship-threatening misunderstandings arise when those who were asked out don’t know which it is.

The confusion is among three similar social situations, two of them legitimate. One is when friends agree to meet at a restaurant, paying their own way. The second is when people entertain guests in a restaurant rather than in their own homes.

Then there are those who believe that they can entertain guests without expense. Typically, it is a celebration for themselves or their families — a birthday, an anniversary, even a wedding reception — to which they invite others while expecting what they falsely call their “guests” to pay. Furthermore, these are often surprise parties, in that the attendees are surprised to find out that they are supposed to pay.

Miss Manners continues to be surprised when Gentle Readers tell her that they can’t afford to entertain in a certain restaurant — but don’t stop there. They seem to expect her to tell them how to do this anyway, instead of finding something that they can afford.

She reserves her sympathy for people who pay their bills, whether those that they incur as hosts, or from going out with other people. And apparently the conventional forms are not working, which is why there has to be clearer wordage.

As you expect your friends to pay their own way, you are not really inviting them, but only making a suggestion. You should say, “Let’s meet for dinner,” and, if you suggest a restaurant, add “or wherever you would like to go” because they should have a say about preferences in food and price level. (She would ban the term “Dutch treat,” as this is neither Dutch nor a treat.)

Those who use the verb “to invite” and the noun “guests” are expected to pay for the entertainment they provide. If they don’t, Miss Manners assures them that the attendees feel cheated.

Dear Miss Manners: Since my generation has apparently failed miserably in teaching our children the concept of hospitality, it seems clear to me that the whole concept of weddings should be rethought.

Who better than Miss Manners to preside over this process?

Brides could sell tickets (with different price points, to accommodate people who are still paying off those pesky student loans). This eliminates the need for people to try to find a wedding gift that will please the bride. Brides could set up salon stations outside the venue, so all the women will have matching hair and makeup.

Final touch: Provide pinnies jerseys or robes to all, so everyone will be dressed alike, preferably in an unflattering style/color, so the bride will be the only pretty woman there.

I have paid $2 for a glass of soda at a reception and been buttonholed by the bride, who reminded me that I hadn’t sent a gift yet and she could take a check “right now.” (Yes, that really happened. The friendship has cooled.) Dear Miss Manners, I despair.

Gentle Reader: As well you might. As you have seen, what you predict is very close to the reality of many of today’s weddings: The assumption is made that guests must pay to attend, if not in the form of buying tickets, then of contributing to the costs of the wedding or honeymoon, and buying whatever the couple states that they need.

Couples see the event as autobiographical pageants in which they are the stars, thus the attempts to costume everyone else. And the concession stand.

Why those targeted go along with this, Miss Manners cannot understand. Surely there is better entertainment available for the price. And if more refused to pay up, the custom would naturally wither.

Dear Miss Manners: I’m a 23-year-old young lady, and I’m wondering what to do in the following situation:

A young man that I met through school or a mutual friend asks me out for coffee. He asks me via email, not face-to-face. He never calls it a “date,” so I’m unsure whether he’s asking me out on a date.

Even though I think he seems like an all-right guy, I’m not interested in dating him or in having a relationship with him because he’s just not what I’m looking for in a romantic partner.

Should I decline the invitation to coffee, and if so, how do I do so politely? I’m hesitant to decline on the grounds that I’m not interested in dating the young man, when I’m not even sure that the invitation is a date. And I also feel that it would be rude to preface my response to his invitation with the question, “Are you asking me out on a date?”

Gentle Reader: The invitation you describe is for a date.

Miss Manners realizes this will elicit a howl from young men and young women alike, protesting that there are a million other possible explanations. She challenges you to name them.

The good news is that coffee is a trial date, less serious than a meal. Accepting either one does not commit you to a second date — or anything else. If you do not wish to go, explain firmly that while you appreciate the offer, you cannot accept. Do not offer an excuse, particularly not the one about his not being what you are looking for in a romantic partner.

The same response should be given to any follow-up explanations that you have misunderstood his intent. Note that while you may, possibly, have misunderstood the first offer, any subsequent ones will make clear that you did not.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the appropriate way to ask someone a second time to do something for you, if they seem to have forgotten?

For example, if I have already asked a waiter for a drink, but she comes and goes a few times without bringing it, how should I ask again? Should I refer delicately to the earlier conversation, as in, “Could I please have that water when you have a moment?” thereby giving her credit for remembering the earlier interaction? Or should I speak as if I am asking for the first time, to avoid drawing attention to the oversight?

My husband finds one of these choices to be conspicuously impolite, while I think they each could be appropriate in certain situations. Does the best approach vary if the exchange is between family members, i.e., between a child and an adult rather than a waiter and a patron?

Gentle Reader: Etiquette assumes good intentions until she has been proven wrong. And even then, she refrains from throwing things.

The second time you ask for water, do not make reference to the initial request. The third time, Miss Manners allows a certain pique to enter your tone as you patiently explain that you have now asked several times without result.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it considered rude when you are watching something on TV and your husband joins you, then wants to change the channel — not to something you both like, but to something he likes?

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would watch whatever he was watching until it was done, and then we would try to find something we both liked. If we couldn’t find anything, we would just talk.

Gentle Reader: It is not rude for your husband to want to change the channel, only to follow through.

As with the law, the rule should be weighted toward first possession. After that, polite negotiation should ensue.

However, if all else fails, consider a second television. As with having separate bathrooms, Miss Manners has found that it can be worth its price in arguments. But she feels compelled to add, for the sake of your marriage, you would do well to also make time for actual conversation.

Dear Miss Manners: Since announcing my first pregnancy to close friends and family, I have been inundated with offers of free baby equipment. Most of these offers come up naturally in conversation.

I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but I was looking forward to the experience of getting everything new — something I rarely allow myself in life, plus I am an older mother and able to provide for myself better than I would have been a decade ago. Aside from that, I am simply unfamiliar with a lot of these supplies and don’t know if I want them, nor if I have the space to store them.

And to be honest, babies are messy and I don’t know that I want used items; I’d rather see them go to someone without means. My hesitation is usually followed up with an admonition that I’ll change my tune once I realize how expensive baby stuff is. How do I gracefully decline or rebuff these requests without offending?

Gentle Reader: Without explanation. You are only inciting a smug-parent war and, as you will see, your life will soon be filled with those.

“Thank you, no, I already have more than I need,” is a sufficient answer. But if these parents insist, Miss Manners recommends that you then discreetly donate the items or give them away, so as to avoid a lecture. Having your water break is also a good distraction.

Dear Miss Manners: I do vocational training with the cognitively disabled and people suffering from mental illness. When a co-worker came to me and said a client had asked her for candy, I told the client that it was not acceptable to ask people to give him candy, though he could accept candy if it were offered to him.

Was I too hard on the client? Is it acceptable to ask people to give you candy?

Gentle Reader: Only, it seems, if you preface it by saying, “Trick or treat!”

Since you are working with these clients on vocational skills, it seems to Miss Manners that teaching them practical behavioral and social practices would be at the top of that list. Doing it with kindness and a certain amount of indulgence, however, is obviously preferable.

Dear Miss Manners: My dear friend’s father recently passed away. I had never met the deceased, but I was close to my friend throughout his father’s final illness, and plan to attend the funeral.

Because the funeral will be held out of state and involve significant travel, he does not expect me to attend. Should I inform him in advance that I will be making the trip?

Showing up unannounced feels like staging an ill-timed and self-aggrandizing “surprise!” However, a special conversation about it feels self-centered in his time of grief, and obliges him to appear grateful for some future and unasked-for act of chivalry.

Gentle Reader: Send a condolence letter that includes a version of the statement, “I will see you at the funeral.” Not giving your friend the chance to protest your efforts is not only kind, but correct. A funeral is the rare social event, Miss Manners points out, that does not require a response. Or — one can only hope — much advanced notice.

Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.

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