Column: A Letter to Santa, From God Himself

For the Valley News
Published: 12/15/2018 10:29:51 PM
Modified: 12/15/2018 10:30:08 PM

Dear Santa,

I rarely intervene directly in your business, but feel I must call something to your attention.

When you deliver gifts in a few days, I ask that you skip your scheduled stop at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C., also known as the White House. The boy who lives there, named Donald, has been quite naughty. Because he is quite wealthy, or claims to be, he bought an entire television channel to cover up his behavior. While you are probably way too busy to watch TV, try to avoid the program called Fox and Donald’s Friends.

Because the upcoming holiday celebrates the birth of my only son, I am quite sensitive to the matter. Many boys (and a few girls) are naughty from time to time and it has been my practice to let such things slide. After all, if I were too fastidious in my behavioral expectations, there would be very few boys getting gifts on my son’s birthday. I should explain that my son never wanted gifts, so early on he decided that other kids should get gifts at his party. Go figure. He was always unusual.

But this is different.

You may know that my biography (inaccurately characterized by some as an autobiography) includes a section called the Ten Commandments. Almost everyone breaks a commandment or two. I don’t expect perfection. I even set up a structure for leniency, so that boys who screw up can just apologize and put it behind them. But Donald has violated every one of the commandments and, according to my record keeping, (which is infallible) he has never apologized — not even once.

A brief summary:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Well, I have observed Donald for years and he worships only money. He prays to it and has devoted his life to hoarding it.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image. Even I don’t really remember what I meant by this one, but Donald has a lot of glittery things he adores, which just seems wrong.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain. Donald swears like a sailor (though he’s afraid of boats). “Damn” and “hell,” words that have very special meaning to me, are tossed around like croutons in his frequent word salads.

4. Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy. Remember my infallible record keeping? Donald has played golf on Sunday 157 times more often than he has gone to church.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother. This is sort of metaphorical. But during a recent trip to Europe he insulted every sentient human by avoiding a ceremony to honor brave forefathers, and a few foremothers, who gave their lives for freedom. (See No. 3 above. He apparently is afraid of rain, too.)

6. Thou shalt not kill. Well, you might say, he hasn’t really killed anyone. Not so fast. In my view (which is infinite, by the way), enabling killing is a violation too. Google Yemen, Syria and Afghanistan, just for starters.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Hmmmm ... where to start? Donald has had three serious relationships, cheated on each one, and even admitted to illegally paying some of the girls to keep it secret from me. See No. 3 and No. 5 about my fastidious record keeping.

8. Thou shalt not steal. I admit that my standards are rather strict — it’s in the job description — but nearly everything Donald possesses was stolen. The attorneys at the Southern District of New York can confirm this. So can a boy named Michael Cohen, although he’s Jewish. But my son was Jewish too, for a while, a little factoid many people forget.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. The language of this commandment is a bit arcane, but “bearing false witness” basically means “lying.” The Washington Post (I don’t get my information from the internet, even though I encouraged Al Gore to invent it) has documented more than 5,000 “false witness” statements by Donald, including 81 in one day alone!

10. Various translators have construed my words, Thou shalt not covet, differently: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thy neighbor’s wife, thy neighbor’s slaves, animals (or virtually anything else). Donald covets most everything, especially thy neighbors’ wives. He was caught on tape (I didn’t need the tape) bragging that he can grab any woman he wants by the p----. Oddly, he doesn’t seem to covet animals. This, in my opinion, is a pretty serious sign of sociopathy.

Sorry to go on. But I think Donald might be the naughtiest boy on Earth and I’d hate to see him get gifts on my son’s birthday. My son was the least naughty boy on Earth, so the irony would be a bit much.

Love and Merry Christmas,


P.S. Oh, and skip a place called Mar-a-Lago, too. Donald is quite likely to be there.

Steve Nelson lives in Boulder, Colo., and Sharon. He can be reached at

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