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Photograph and interview
By Jason Johns

Exploring the diversity of experiences and circumstances in the Upper Valley, ZIP Codes appears every Monday in the Valley News. If you have an idea you would like to share, email Jason Johns at jjohns@vnews.com.

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03766 - Lebanon, N.H.

Published March 31, 2008
Zip Codes
Bill Auvenshire plays one of his three guitars in his apartment in Lebanon. He says his music helps him cope with post traumatic stress disorder, though playing it at loud volume has lead to conflicts with his neighbors and his landlord.

Bill Auvenshire, 49, is a disabled veteran of Hispanic and Arabic descent living in Lebanon. He served as an air surveillance officer on the aircraft carrier USS Kitty Hawk during the Cold War. The following is an edited interview.

There was too much racial violence in New York, you know, in the seventies? I wanted to get out of there because of all the fighting. It was in my school, and I had friends on both sides. I thought the Navy would be a better option than being killed on the streets, you know? I was 17 years old.

Now, I have mixed feelings about it. There's nothing glamorous in military service. If you have to do it, you have to do it. I don't know. It felt like slavery, almost. It changed my mind around and made me sick.

I have post-traumatic stress disorder. The VA says they want to help, but I don't want anything to do with them. That's OK, I don't agree with what they do with their medicines. I say I don't want your poison, I don't want your help. You keep your distance, and we'll be cool, you know? I'm not the only vet that feels that way.

I try to fight the anxiety, I try not to get depressed. I used to drink, but I stopped drinking. There are other forms of healing. I pray at home, I use herbal remedies, I play music.

I'm hoping one day to be able to leave the country. I just want to get out, you know? I feel like I've exhausted myself here. I was thinking of Mexico. They're pretty nice people.

Once I was feeling very angry and very lonely. I wrote to George W. Bush, a real in-depth letter about how I felt. This is not a free country. The people are demoralized, and there's no sense of decency. It makes me sick. He never wrote me back.

I heard New Hampshire is the safest state, that's why I moved here. I'm tired of the violence. I don't care who's involved, or what side they're on. I'm just looking for someplace quiet and safe.

I love birds and animals. If I could just be somewhere feeding them, you know? I would love to have a log cabin near a lake where I could feed animals and just watch them. That's someplace I could be happy.

 

Hear Bill Auvenshire practice with one of his three guitars.