Vermont Sexy; No Word on New Hampshire
A Huffington Post column by author and travel writer Richard Bangs called “Sexy Vermont: 50 Shades of Green,” detailing his recent trip to the Green Mountain State, is making the social media rounds right now, and it is so over the top, I can’t tell whether he’s being serious or not.
“On the patio deck, by the fire pit, in the radiance of twilight, hypnotized by the cocktail and its glow, it’s easy to lose willpower, and surrender to Vermont, like followers of Odysseus to the island of the lotus-eaters.”
“I think about this aperçu while riding the chairlift to the top of Burke Mountain, where several of the more extreme single-track trails launch. And watching the waves of green undulating beneath me, 50 shades of green, I find myself agreeing with Lilias. The woods transcend the ornamental; raw, wild, exciting and implacable, a lusty, voluptuous stealth of Nature.”
For the record, I like a good aperçu as much as the next woman, but the description of lusty, voluptuous Nature combined with the Fifty Shades of Grey reference made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
There’s also this ...
“A portion of The Long Trail, the oldest long-distance footpath in the United States, stitching 272 miles from the buttocks of Vermont to the head, passes along Jay Peak.”
... and this ...
“Besides the recherché view, the Inn offers up at least two titillating activities....jumping on a giant, floating trampoline; and gently urging a canoe along the lake. Is there a performance with more erotic torque than a clean paddle stroke?”
... and this:
“I whisper down the road to Woodstock, passing tall, imposing silos, and copses of ithyphallic trees through a corridor of savage beauty. Flocks of ducks blow like rocket chaff across the blue sky.”
Watch out for those rocket-chaff ducks when you’re whispering your way to work, Woodstock. And if you’re looking for a good chuckle (or an uneasy squirm), be sure to read the part about his time in Quechee, where he discovers a “hornless unicorn” and a visit to Simon Pearce, he says, “unfreezes (his) flesh.”
Not to mention the sexiest activity of all: Riding a Segway. As Bangs puts it, “Danger deals, after all, something of the aphrodisiacal.”
What do you think, Vermonters? Are you sexy and you know it? Is Bangs’ piece just good for the laughs or the kind of attention Vermont needs? Email me at email@example.com.
(Bangs did not comment on the existence of any sexiness in New Hampshire, where perhaps Granite Staters are still in the process of bringing sexy back.)
Published to the Valley News' Upper Valley Dispatch blog Thursday at 4:30 p.m.