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For the Perfect Mother’s Day Gift, Get Me This, Not That This, Not That

  • Caucasian girl giving mid adult mother flowers.

    Caucasian girl giving mid adult mother flowers.

  • Caucasian girl giving mid adult mother flowers.

Every Mother’s Day I tell my family exactly what I would like for a present. I do not want to go to brunch with my family. I would go alone to the Woodstock Inn buffet and drink mimosas and read the newspaper. Do not take me to the garden center to pick out a couple of beautifying perennials that I can spend ALL DAY planting. Hire me a gardener for a day? I’d take that. And no, no, no, spa gift certificate for a massage or other salon services. I could not possibly relax for the former, and the only other thing I would get there is an eyebrow or bikini wax — and that’s not a present.

I want the Hamilton Beach 76606Z Smooth Touch Can Opener, in Black and Chrome. I want to luxuriate in the electronic purr of my black-eyed peas, mandarin oranges, and chicken soup cans opening. I want to banish my manual device of torture that kills my wrists and is too chunky, so when I toss it back in the drawer it won’t shut and slams back out, hitting my hip. I will grant the 76606Z valuable counter-top real estate in my galley kitchen because it is worthy; the blade never touches the food, as shouted in all capital letters over and over again in the Amazon reviews. How handy is that when my spouse has a hankering for tuna? I have forwarded the link with all pertinent information (free shipping!) to my son Christopher. Whereas my teenage daughter has not spoken to me in three days because I made her return to Abercrombie what we in the day called “hot pants,” or 10-year-old Jonathan will say a can opener is a stupid thing to ask for, Christopher is the child who beginning at age 7 would slip his own dollar bills into cards he made for his sister and brother, and is my best chance at owning the 76606Z.

The writer lives in White River Junction.