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‘Friends’ Reunion Will Never Happen: The Actors Just Don’t Need It

IMAGE DISTRIBUTED FOR LIFETIME - EXCLUSIVE - Executive producers Jennifer Aniston, left, and Kristin Hahn, speak before Lifetime and Sony Pictures Television's premiere event  for "Call Me Crazy: A Five Film" at the Pacific Design Center on Tuesday, April 16, 2013 in West Hollywood, Calif. "Call Me Crazy" debuts on Saturday, April 20, 2013 at 8 PM on Lifetime. (Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Lifetime/AP Images)

IMAGE DISTRIBUTED FOR LIFETIME - EXCLUSIVE - Executive producers Jennifer Aniston, left, and Kristin Hahn, speak before Lifetime and Sony Pictures Television's premiere event for "Call Me Crazy: A Five Film" at the Pacific Design Center on Tuesday, April 16, 2013 in West Hollywood, Calif. "Call Me Crazy" debuts on Saturday, April 20, 2013 at 8 PM on Lifetime. (Photo by John Shearer/Invision for Lifetime/AP Images)

Shut up, Internet. ShutupshutupshuuuuutUP!!! The Frien ds reunion is not happening.

This rumor, this tired, hackneyed drivel of a rumor, pops up reliably every few months, like an Elvis sighting. It’s almost turned into the beginning of a bad joke: “Did you hear the one about the Friends reunion?” Ha ha. Shut up.

It popped up again Tuesday, leading Marta Kauffman — she and David Crane were show-runners so she should know — to tell E! that this will never happen. Someone with way too much time on their hands actually put together a poster proclaiming a reunion, it went viral — just like the flu — and gullible people the world over actually believed it.

I’m going to tell you why this will never happen, in Buzzfeed-like fashion, citing six reasons:

1.) Jennifer Aniston has a life. Reunions are death.

2.) All of the core actors have lives — which is to say day jobs producing, creating, acting or directing. They’d need a reunion like another hole in the face.

3.) Reunions are death. Oh, I already mentioned that.

4.) Everyone associated with Friends, including the grips and lighting techs, is vastly wealthy. Actors do reunions only when they are having trouble paying the mortgage on the Malibu Beach house.

5.) Reunions are death ... oh wait, deja vu all over again. Let me elaborate. Reunions remind fans — and actors alike — that the cruel march of time has walked all over their beautiful faces. Reunions simply remind fans that their beloved Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross have reached middle age, and that they are no longer cute.

6.) Warner Bros. has tried to get a reunion going and so has NBC — but they’ve been laughed out of the room. The only reunion you’ll ever see is on Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Larry David’s already done Seinfeld — and brilliantly, by the way.