Dear Miss Manners: I live in a southern, tropical state. Though it is delightful and calm for most of the year (hence the tourists in the winter), we have a “hurricane season” that lasts six months, during which we prepare for possible bad weather.
Last season, my family and I survived a severe hurricane that badly damaged many parts of the area. Luckily, we were only slightly affected, the biggest problem being that we were without electricity for nearly a week. We were very thankful that we were spared, but nonetheless, it was a scary and anxious time for all of us.
During the recovery period, we heard from friends and acquaintances, including those from social media, who live in other areas of the country, most of whom were supportive. However, a few lacked any concern or sympathy for what we’d been through, jokingly implying, “What do you expect for living in that part of the country?”
The remarks were as hurtful as they were insensitive. Surely, we’re not the only ones who live in areas prone to weather-related problems, as there are many parts of the country that must worry about earthquakes, tornadoes, floods, fires and the like. We are well aware of the risks of living where we do, but that does not lessen the impact of a catastrophe upon our lives when it strikes, or the hurt from others’ lack of empathy.
How do we politely respond to those who not only make fun of where we live, but use a stressful time to imply that we should be accustomed to disaster?
Gentle Reader: “We appreciate your concern. We were comparatively lucky, and are heartbroken, as you must be, at the suffering of so many others. We certainly hope that Nature will spare you the tragedies and catastrophes that so many have experienced, here and elsewhere.”
Dear Miss Manners: My problem when talking with some people is that when I’m asked a question, the person asking does not give me time to answer it.
I do not stall or delay to answer; I open my mouth to speak, but before I can, the person who initially asked the question proceeds to either supply the answer by guessing several options, or just continues on the topic wondering “why such-and-such is so.” All this while I say nothing, because it is impolite to speak when another is speaking.
When she finally takes a breath, and I can say something, what is a polite way of saying, “If you would stop talking, I could fill you in on all the details”? Or would you have me do something other than respond at all?
Gentle Reader: Ah, yes, Miss Manners has met those people. And noticed that when they guess the answer to their own questions, they are always wrong.
Her solution is to remain silent, with a politely expectant smile on her face, while they stumble along. Eventually, they come to a stop, and — here is the difficult part — the silence, along with the smile, must be maintained.
They then realize that they have held an entire conversation with themselves, and are forced to restate the original question in order to get things going again. And this time, they tend to let you answer.
Dear Miss Manners: You have addressed the situation of invitations where money is solicited to pay for an event that people thought they were being invited to for free. I have the opposite problem.
Every year, my organization sponsors a fundraising dinner. I purchase a table and then invite people I know to attend — not by purchasing tickets themselves, but as my guests, sitting at my sponsored table.
I have been sending out printed invitations saying, “Mr. and Mrs. (our name) request the pleasure of your company at …” Although that wording should make it clear that they are being invited as guests, several invitees decline; I find out later that it was because they thought I wanted them to purchase tickets.
The names of the organization and the event leave no doubt but that it is a fundraiser. So how does one word the invitation to make it clear that the guest is invited as just that?
It seems rather crass and insulting to my potential guests to put something like “This is an invitation, not a solicitation to purchase a ticket” on a formal, or even informal, invitation. Should I say something like, “We request the pleasure of your company as our guests”?
Gentle Reader: The problem, Miss Manners suspects, is that charities use the same apparently hospitable wording. They request “the pleasure of your company,” and slip in a little card saying — surprise! — that they also expect the pleasure of your money.
Your friends are unfortunately assuming that you are up to the same little trick. So it would be better if you did not mimic the charity’s invitation. You could write “Please come as our guests” on a card with your formal names, or, less formally, say that in a brief letter.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I disagree about who should announce “hello” when someone comes into the house.
Should the person who comes in the door call out a greeting such as “Hello” or “I’m home”? Or should the people already in the house call out “Hello” when they hear someone?
Or, is it OK for neither to happen, and for all to wait until they actually see each other in the same room, which could be a long time if everyone is just going about their own business?
Gentle Reader: The time-honored exchange is “Honey, I’m home!” and “Is that you?”, each called out at the same moment.
So Miss Manners does not consider this a question of precedence. The object is to prevent the person who is arriving from thinking that the spouse has absconded and the house is empty, and the person remaining at home from thinking that there is a housebreaker afoot.
Dear Miss Manners: Is personally delivering an invitation, wedding or otherwise, socially acceptable?
Gentle Reader: It was traditionally considered preferable to avoid the post by sending a footman, as Miss Manners recalls. If you do not happen to have a footman, you may use your own feet.
Dear Miss Manners: When saying hello and goodbye to my friends, I often give them a quick hug. If my friend is with someone else that I do not know well, I would feel awkward giving that person a hug, too.
In that case, is it better to not hug anybody, so that I don’t treat people unequally?
Gentle Reader: Etiquette does not require one to parcel out one’s affections equally, and, Miss Manners hastens to add, social systems that lack a sense of humor — morality, for example — actively object to doing so.
The acquaintance merits no more than a handshake, while the friend can be greeted with a handshake or hug as circumstances and inclinations permit.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I seem to be at odds regarding the cookies our bank offers to patrons in the lobby.
I say that the cookies are to be enjoyed by patrons while they are there, and I object to my husband’s practice of coming home with four to six each time he visits the bank. When he arrives home, he places them in a plastic baggie and puts them in the freezer to eat throughout the week until the next time he goes to the bank.
Gentle Reader: Cookie plates are meant to be shared, which means that a one-per-customer rule should be observed, even if not posted.
Perhaps your bank feels differently, although as a rule, Miss Manners has observed that banks frown on customers who fill their pockets with whatever happens to be lying around just because it is not currently under lock and key.
Dear Miss Manners: When sitting at a table, from which side of the chair do you enter and exit?
Gentle Reader: The one that does not have someone else’s knees firmly perched up against it.
Dear Miss Manners: My fiance is about to buy my engagement ring. He knows I like jewelry, so he always gets me that as a gift.
That being said, he apparently doesn’t really understand my taste. What is the polite way to tell him if I dislike the ring, or should I even do that?
Gentle Reader: Not if you want this engagement to lead to marriage, let alone to more jewelry.
As you know the ring is forthcoming, Miss Manners suggests that you set about quickly complimenting the things that you do like about the jewelry your fiance has already given you. Specifics that are also sufficiently vague — like “I love round stones” or “I prefer a classic style” — are useful, while also giving him some room to make his own decisions. Or he may give up in desperation and ask you to take over. Seemingly your preferred option.
Dear Miss Manners: In the middle of my speaking to my boyfriend, he will walk out of the room. I have told him it is rude and bad manners. He says he can hear me, therefore it isn’t rude.
Gentle Reader: If you want to test his theory, Miss Manners suggests that you try lowering your voice when he leaves the room. And then acting puzzled when he returns to find out what he did, in fact, miss.
Dear Miss Manners: We are getting ready to celebrate my daughter’s quinceanera, and have decided not to serve alcohol for many reasons. My mother was mortified when she learned this, and keeps pressuring me to provide alcohol.
She does not drink; however, she insists that the only reason guests attend such celebrations is to drink, and that guests will be disappointed.
Although I have put my foot down on the issue, I want to know if it’s rude not to offer alcohol at such events. Should I let guests know in advance so they can make the choice themselves, and not be disappointed when they arrive? Should it be printed in the invitations?
I say that if guests truly care about my daughter, they will attend regardless, and if they only want to attend for free alcohol, then we are probably better off without them. Of course, nonalcoholic drinks and food will be served.
Gentle Reader: How pitiful that your mother thinks that the only reason your family would celebrate your daughter is free liquor.
If it is possible, hold this event during the day and call it a brunch or a tea. Alcohol will be less expected. Or if it is a less formal occasion, word the invitation with what is being offered, rather than what is not: “Dinner will be served, along with soda and juice.” For those bold enough to object to this situation, Miss Manners suggests that you politely remind them of the reason for the celebration — and that the guest of honor is not yet of drinking age.
Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.